Dan Century

Okay — is this what kids did before the Internet and video games were invented? Is this not the lamest toy ever, or is it a practical joke on kids by sick adults working for toy companies? Belly Bongo. Oi veh!

Isn’t it about time we lose the extra 9/10ths on gas prices? Maybe the 9/10ths made sense as a tax back when gas cost 10 cents a gallon, but now it’s just stupid. Now it’s adding insult to injury. $3.259 for gas — why not make it $3.26?

Maybe each one of those 9/10ths gets magically transformed into a fat cell in Lee Raymond’s giant neck waddle. Maybe.

I’m a pretty clean person. I don’t work out in a gym or share my shoes with my family or homies. My sneakers usually don’t stink — at least not the kind of stink that scares children or makes paint peel of a wall.

Normally I don’t rent bowling shoes and just rock my socks when I bowl. Sounds crazy, but I’m trying to avoid social foot diseases. This past Friday I went bowling, and I was drunk and I rented bowling shoes. You should have seen these shoes — they looked like they were worn in battle - trench warfare somewhere in France - and then brought back to the states and left under a tractor in a field in Pensy for decades. And then I got them. I’m pretty sure a cricket crawled out before I put them on.

My point: whatever Funky Phantom was haunting those bowling shoes has moved into my regular sneakers. This new funk is nasty — like movie theater + casino carpet + beef jerkey + back stage at a commuity theater with no AC on a 95 degree F day.

I now have to burn my sneakers and socks, bleach my sheets, and maybe call a priest.

Good thing I bought an extra pair.

Planes on a Snake

Originally uploaded by ianschuler.

Planes on a M***** F****** Snake!

Each day, before I leave for work, I watch the Fox 5 Good Day NY news program while I enjoy my morning coffee. Good Day NY gives me the weather, the traffic, and Anne Craig, Lucy Nolan (who looks like Dr. Girlfriend from the Venture Bros.), Stacy -Ann Gooden, and of course the Jodi Applegate. Applegate is the quintessential southern gal turned big city reporter — like a soccer mom on a handful of whatever happy pills the English raver kids are taking nowadays. I could get weather and traffic from virtually any other sub-13TV channel, but I choose Good Day NY because the anchors are totally hot.

Which brings us to this nugget of uncool: Jodi vs. the wacky biker boys. Totally uncool.

Cobra Starship - Snakes on a Plane (bring it). I heard this song on the Matt Pinfield Sirius Radio show (thanks to my friend who taped it for me — I don’t actually have Sirius). The song is the theme for the much anticipated Snakes on a Plane movie, which comes out on August 18th. After a some very non-thorough research, Cobra Starship appears to be a supergroup formed from some teeny-bopper bands I know nothing about, and I have a slithering suspicion that their name is an homage to Jefferson Starship.

I’m enjoying DJ/record collector Monone’s no. 7 mix CD of instrumental jazz, acid-rock, funk and soundtrack music. Lots of great songs and artists I’ve never heard of. Great music for pretending that your life is an exciting 1970’s exploitation film.

Here’s a couple of cheesy film reviews I wrote for Legends Magazine. The language used in the reviews reflects the contents of the films, and is, not-surprizingly, NSFW.

DVD Review: “The Losers”: “he army handed them guns and a license to kill!”.

and…

DVD Review: “Werewolves on Wheels”: “Before there were Snakes on a Plane, there were Werewolves on Wheels”.

Bubblegum Funk has been posting fake bubble gum cards for the movie Phantom of the Paradise. It features Paul ‘Hamilton’ Williams.

Strange and cool at the same time. “Merkwürdigkühl”!

I get a kick out of the fact that there’s a cartoon character named Dan Halen.

(BTW, this is what the Firefox looks like when he stops looking at the Earth and turns around.)

I’m thinking of buying one of those soft black PC bags, to carry stuff into work with. I resisted this purchase for at least 10 years because they’re basically pocketbooks for men, and they’re basically giant 1980 Reebok bootie sneakers with straps.

But… every morning becomes a juggling act holding the iPod, and 13 other objects, and people will actually laugh at you if you carry a briefcase and you’re not a lawyer (I’ve had it happen it me).

So I was on the Macy’s web site and I came across this: Kenneth Cole Reaction “Christina Flap-pelgate”. Christina Flap-pelgate??? Oi! I find Christina Applegate to be very attractive, but… this is… this is wierd and scary.

I think I might have to rock the plastic shopping bag for now.

Update: I thnk I’ll be buying a Rod-Ney Dangerfield today.

Chelsea Handler is my kind of lady: she’s pretty, she’s funny, she’s in her 30’s and she drinks. And she has a raunchy and hilarious video podcast to match her raunchy and hilarious TV show.

I wore my Rats Off To Ya shirt to work today.

Rats off to the place I work.