I found the jokes I had on my old joke site. Here are all the jokes. Print this entire page out and destroy an entire tree worth of paper.
Men are Lunatics, Women are Nuts
The Difference: Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell us how wonderful we are. Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. The Style: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. A man will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want. The Workplace: When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinions, she's a bitch. Women are the only exploited group in history who have been idealized into powerlessness. Relationships: Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter. Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy. Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has "potential"). For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up. It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence. Love: Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance. The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary to understand her. To women, love is an occupation. To men, a preoccupation. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. Men marry because they are tired: woman because they are curious. Both are disappointed. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her: a man, of the woman who he didn't. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage. Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing. Wives: Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year. The Battle: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. On Men: If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us. Men are like animals, but they make great pets. On Women: Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears. Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age. God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
An Oldie But Goodie
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as 8. Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 9. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 10. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 11. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" 12. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." 13. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 14. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 15. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
bad joke
A cowboy walks into an empty bar and says, "Where is everybody?" Bartender replies, "Don't you know? They're hanging Brown Paper Pete today." "Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks. "Well," the bartender replies, "He wears a brown paper hat and a brown paper shirt. Brown paper vest. Brown paper pants and brown paper boots." "What are they hanging him for?" "Rustling."
And now some weird thoughts:
ON METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund? ON HIGHER EDUCATION College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink. ON YOUTH "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Steven King, 3/8/90 ON PROBLEM SOLVING "When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail." -- Abraham Maslow ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead. ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic! ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you keep it? ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." -- English Professor, Ohio University ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the greatest thing since? ON DATING When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero. ON LAMENTATION Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. ON POETIC LOVE When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray! -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in the office. ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Collect the whole set. ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo bovine. ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse. ON EXCUSES "I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." -- Joe Walsh ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
Tommy
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?" "Yes father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No father, I cannot tell you." The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys." Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?" Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys, and three good leads."
An Absolutely True Finals Story
This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid 'A'. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday, they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire?
THE WORLD's 20 SHORTEST BOOKS
20. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton 19. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson 18. Human Rights Advances in China 17. America's Most Popular Lawyers 16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors 15. Detroit - A Travel Guide 14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob" 13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 12. Easy UNIX 11. Al Gore: The Wild Years 10. Everything Men Know About Women 9. Everything Women Know About Men 8. French Hospitality 7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names 6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel 5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette 4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 3. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman 2. The Amish Phone Directory And the number one World's Shortest Book: 1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
You Decide, Admiral
___________________________________ [This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995.] Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. ___________________________________ Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans:THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S.S KITTY KAWK. WE AREA LARGE WARSHIP OF THE U.S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH NOW! Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Generation X Office Lingo
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name. Elvis Year: The peak year of something's or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993." 404: Someone who's clueless. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the WWW error message "404 Not Found", meanig the requested document couldn't be located. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake. Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed." Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Quirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists." Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
A young ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain a bar in Arkansas. He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smartass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in Arkansas." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smartass little fella on your knee!"
A shy gentleman
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane, when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" Only one word leapt to mind... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Things NOT to say when pulled over
15. No, YOU assume the position, Piggy. 14. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special! 13. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket? 12. No, offi, offic, lucifer... I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog. 11. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110. 10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece. 9. Want to race to the station, Sparky? 8. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men! 7. On the way to the station let's get a six pack. 6. You'll never get those cuffs on me... You Pussy! 5. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! 4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen? 3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me. 2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me? 1. What do you use those rubber gloves for?
The Bricklayer
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is this Bricklayer's report ... a true story. Dear Sir; I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.
A man and his date
A man, along with his extraordinarily beautiful date, walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. The man says to the shop owner, "Please show the lady your finest mink!" So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier stands next to the man and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "That's no problem, we'll take it!" said the man, "I'll just write you a check!" "Very good, sir." said the shop owner. "But since today is Saturday, you'll have to come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!" The man just grinned and said, "I'm sorry, but I just had to come by!" "Why Bother?" the steamed shop owner replied. "I wanted to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
Subject: Actual requests made to librarians
A Patron asked for a list of local schizophrenic people. "I need to talk to one to do a case study for a school assingnment." "Where in the city directory are unlisted telephone numbers kept?" Asked in California -"I need a sign language book for dogs. Real question asked of a college student - "Who invented the time machine?" Another college student - "Do you have any books on Malcolm the 10th, the civil-rights leader?" A young man asked for information on positions. The reference librarian took him to the occupation section. "Oh I didn't mean that. What I meant was when people get married they have positions." "Why are the largest islands found in oceans?" asked a football college student. *A person called on a Thursday and asked if today was Good Friday. A patron was upset that the library didn't have a copy of Jane Eyre. The librarian was certain they did and went to the stacks to pick it out. The patron was not still not happy and wanted to know why there wasn't a listing in the catalog under Eyre, Jane. A frantic secretary rushed up to her reference librarian and demanded to see a copy of the "riot act". After the librarian responded with confusion, the patron exclaimed. "My boss wants me to read the riot act to a bill collector who has been bothering him and I need a copy of it!" A eager young hiker wanted a map to the exact locations of all the lost treasures and mines in the Rocky Mountains. A person wanting to visit Las Vegas was upset that there was no information on "The Sigmund Freud Show". After some time the librarian concluded that the patron was talking about the "Sigfried and Roy Show". A patron wanted some pictures of "happy smiling vegetables". The library responded that they didn't know vegetables experienced human emotions. The patron was confused and then responded that they were wanting pictures of happy people who have severe brain damage. (The librarian didn't ask if the patron had a picture of himself :)) A patron wanted a book on inter-librarian loan - one of the Gutenberg Bibles. The patron eagerly explained that they would help pay the postage if necessary. A sophmore in high school wanted a copy of a Jerusalem newspaper the date Jesus was born. A student asked for the name of the author of "The Diary of Anne Frank". A library once had to send out a bunch of notices as all its books on procrastination were overdue. A patron wanted to reserve an audio tape on memory improvement, but couldn't remember the titile of it. A high school senior needed all the books written by Ibid. Acutal biography requests by high school students: *1-Pearl Harbor 2-Rosetta Stone 3-The Unknown Soldier buired in Arlington Cemetary *4-Ben Hur A man called and wanted to know if this library was a government "suppository". A high school student wanted books written in spanish. The librarian produced a list of titles held, but the student wanted to know how the librarian knew that they were written in Spanish. "I am certain my house has secret passageways, how can I tell?" A man called wanting to know the blue book value of a Chevy Pickup truck. Librarian - What is the model and year? Patron- I don't know Librarian- What size engine? Patron- I don't know that either Librarian- Long-bed or short-bed? Patron- I don't know Librarian (exasperated)-What can you tell me about it? Patron-Oh, it has a gun rack, a hound dog, and a stricker of a Confederate flag on the back window.
A business man boards a flight...
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a beautiful woman and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
Pickle factory Bill
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
Middle school principal
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
Men bragging about dogs
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, fucked the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
THESE ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS GLEANED FROM SEATTLE HIGH SCHOOL TEST PAPERS:
A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm" (instead of organism). At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory." All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms. Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France. Men are mammals and women are femammals. Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones. Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors. Germinate: To become a naturalized German. Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Signs You Have A Drinking Problem:
You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interferring with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! When you can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. Every woman you see has an exact twin. You fall off the floor... Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! The glass keeps missing your mouth! Bill Clinton starts to make sense. Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!] At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bathroom, your underwear is in the bedroom, you thought you fell asleep clothed. - hmm. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, alcohol, and [Men/Women]. Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol. I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!! Roseanne looks good. Don't recognise your wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle - please pass the ice pack.... BeerTender! Get me another Bar! The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
Plane joke
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
MEN!!!!
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What food describes most men? Jerky. Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? Women working at 900 numbers. How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner? In the pages of a romance novel. What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him. Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? No phone numbers. What's a man's idea of a perfect date? A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
A bar joke
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
Facts about us Americans. Did you know that...
Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. - 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. - Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. - 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. - 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear. - 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs). - The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B. - 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. - 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations. - 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework. - 91% of us lie regularly. - 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. - 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store. - 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods. - 90% believe in divine retribution. - 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. - 82% believe in an afterlife. - 45% believe in ghosts. - 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail. - 29% of us are virgins when we marry. 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't. - 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item. - Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old - 35% give to charity at least once a month. - How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder. - 69% eat the cake before the frosting. - When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton. - 85% of us will eat Spam this year. - 70% of us drink orange juice daily. - Snickers is the most popular candy. - 22% of us skip lunch daily. - 9% of us skip breakfast daily. - 66% of us eat cereal regularly. - 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries. - 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds. - Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side. - 45% use mouthwash every day. - 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. - The typical shower is 101 degrees F. - Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair. - 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery. - 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. - 58% of women paint their nails regularly. - 62% of us pop our zits. - 33% of women lie about their weight. - 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. - 57% have had deja vu. - 49% believe in ESP. - 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids. - The average girl starts her period at age 12. - 44% have broken a bone. - Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level. - 14% have attended a self-help meeting. - 15% regularly go to a shrink - 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home. - 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. - 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. - 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet. - 23.5% admit they don't always flush. - 45.2% pee in the shower. - 44.9% pee in the ocean. - 28.1% pee in the pool. - 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're sitting on the toilet. - 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host. - 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants. - 29% of us ignore RSVP. - 71.6% of us eavesdrop. - 22% are functionally illiterate. - Less than 10% are trilingual. - 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR. - 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers. - 56% of women do the bills in a marriage. - 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. - 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life. - 40% of us have had music lessons. - 44% reuse tinfoil. - 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse. - 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch. - 53% read their horoscopes regularly. - 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men). - 59% of us say we're average-looking. - 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us. - 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers. - 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex. - 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity. - On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year. - 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends. - 2 out of 5 have married their first love. - The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money. - Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand. - 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees. - 6% propose over the phone. - 71% can drive a stick-shift car. - 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit. - 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light. - 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts. - 12% of men never use their car blinkers. - 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them. - 25% of us drive after we've been drinking. - 4 out of 5 sing in the car. - The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes. - Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4". - 56% of men have had sex at work. - 1 in 3 of us have had an extramarital affair. - 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs. - 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand. - The most common fantasy is oral sex. - Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold. - 8% of us have regular anal sex. - 58% like dirty talk during sex. - 22% rent porno flicks at least once
Hot Dog Man wants you to eat Hot Dog Man
Campers
Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear! The bear rears up on his hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar. They're both frozen in their tracks. The first camper whispers, "I'm sure glad I wore my running shoes today." "It doesn't matter what kind of shoes you're wearing, you're not gonna outrun that bear," replies the second. "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU," he answers.
Vet joke
A woman took her dog to the vet "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor. "How much do I owe you?" the lady asks. "$345," says the doctor. "$345!!?" the lady asks. "Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
Burgular Jokes
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Elephant Joke
Q. Why is an elephant big, gray and wrinkled? A. Because if he was small, white and round he'd be an aspirin.
Three Contractors
Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid." So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says $2700. The guard, incredulous looks at him says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri".
knot joke
An old rope and a young rope go into a bar to get a drink. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve drinks to ropes." So the two ropes leave. The old rope ties himself into a knot and goes back in. The bartender says: "Are you a rope?" The old rope answers: "No, I'm frayed knot."
Harold's new job
Harold's new job had him working really hard and late. He thought, "I should really get my wife a watch dog." He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?" The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate." "Karate! I don't believe it," Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? Now way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate." "Karate," she yells. "Karate my foot!"
Poker joke
A man walks into a bar, sits down and notices a table of poker players. Surprisingly, one of them is a dog. The dog has poker chips in front of him and is holding cards. The man asks the bartender, "Is the dog any good?" The bartender replies, "No. Everytime he gets a good hand, his tail wags."
Grasshopper joke
A grasshopper was walking through town one day and began to feel a bit thirsty. So, he decided to go into a bar and have a drink. So the grasshopper walks up to the bar and orders a beer. As the bartender pours a beer he says to the grasshopper "Y'know, we've got a cocktail named after you." The grasshopper looks rather surprised, and says "What, Kevin?"
rednecks joke
Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum? A: three - one to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.
Doctors
At a medical convention, a male doc, and a female doc start eyeing each other out. The male doc asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses her self to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she's going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands". She then says "I bet you're an anaesthetist". Male doc: "Wow, how did you guess?" Female doc: "I didn't feel a thing"
a young couple
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newly weds do, time and again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she see him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
A man with three girlfriends
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
I like the way you're thinking...
Little James was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked on him to answer a question. "James," she said, "if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied James, "because I would shoot one and the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer I was looking for is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking." Then Little James said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" The teacher blushed and answered meekly, "Well, I'm not sure. I guess the one sucking the cone..." "No," said Little James, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking!"
Empire State Building
A guy goes into a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar. "This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him. "Oh, really?" the other guy replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar." "Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy. "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up." "No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs. "Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says. "Try it?! I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts. "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says. "Well what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40...50... 60...70...80... 90... 100 feet and Splat!! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk. After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
Parrots:
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'." "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed. "I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady put her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots said, "Hi, we're prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!"
Forrest Service Humor
This list is circulating among Forest Service employees. These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips: "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call." "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections." "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness." "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands." "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals." "All the mile markers are missing this year." "Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse." "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill." "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests." "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter." "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them." "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals." "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights." "Need more signs to keep area pristine." "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead." "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked." "Too many rocks in the mountains."
DEEP QUESTIONS OF LIFE
1. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? 2. How can there be self-help groups? 3. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? 4. If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? 5. If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself? 6. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 7. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only troubled and insecure? 8. Is there another word for synonym? 9. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practicing"? 10. Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach? 11. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs? 12. When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? 13. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? 14. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? 15. Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food? 16. Why do they report power outages on tv? 17. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Baby delivery joke
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Paddy English Man
Paddy English man, Paddy Irish man, and Paddy Scotts man all decide to head off for a pint. Served up to them are 3 pints of guinness, each with a fly floating on top. Paddy English man looks at the fly and says, "I'll not drink that, serve me another". Paddy Scotts man is so thirsty, he just drinks his guinness down. Paddy Irish man picks up his pint, looks at the fly, pulls it out and shouts at the fly, "Spit it out you b**t*rd"....
TOP TEN REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. It's legal to play hockey professionally. 9. The puck is always hard. 8. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it. 7. It lasts a full hour. 6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds. 5. Your parents cheer when you score. 4. Periods only last 20 minutes. 3. You can count on it at least twice a week. 2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards. 1. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.
Facts of Life
1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 3. Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with. 4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. If you have 3 friends who are OK, then you're it. 6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 7. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 10. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. 11. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. 12. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. 13. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Getting Into College
10. On visit to campus, you accidentally kill the school mascot 9. Instead of a cap and gown, your high school gives you a McDonald's uniform 8. After four years of Spanish, you still can't place an order at Taco Bell 7. You took an S.A.T. preparation course that was advertised by Sally Struthers 6. Your list of school activities includes words "Comet Hale-Bopp" and "castration" 5. You tell admissions officer you're looking forward to "some good, honest book-larnin'" 4. Instead of application, you send in a Where's Waldo? book with all the Waldos circled 3. You insist interviewer call you by your nickname: "Glue-Sniffin' Eddie" 2. Last time you picked up a book, Michael Jackson was black 1. Your classmates voted you "Least Likely to Get into College"
Amazing things that people have actually researched or pondered:
Barbie's measurements (if she were life-size): 39-23-33 Coca-cola was originally green Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury Smartest dogs: 1)border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever Dumbest dog: 1)afghan The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer" There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles PER YEAR It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs Men get hiccups more often than women Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better Chances that an American lives within 50 mi of where he/she grew up: 1 in 2. Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class: $440,000 City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4 Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12 Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28 Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38 Estimated percentage of American adults who go on a diet each year: 44 Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36 Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43 City with the highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80 Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50 Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58 Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85 Number of different familial relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
True Facts
"True Facts" Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. Coca-cola was originally green. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treas. Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000 Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28 Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38 Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23- 33 Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80 Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50 Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58 Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85 Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90 Percentage of mammal species (including humans!!) that are: 3 Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7 Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3 Only food that does not spoil: honey Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: Pig Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees. (I'd like to see that one!) cj Polar bears are left-handed. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. The youngest pope was 11 years old. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner. Your nose and ears never stop growing. Hot water is heavier than cold. They have square watermelons in Japan...they stack better. Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs. Men get hiccups more often than woman. Armadillos can be housebroken.
Doctor Checkup
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
Why did the chicken cross the road
Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook. Of course, you also have to purchase Microsoft Road. DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive manouvre, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross. HOMER SIMPSON: Mmmmmm.....chicken....
Questions about men
Questions About Men Why do men prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company. Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children. How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing. If men got pregnant...abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive through windows. Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first - name basis with the one who makes all their decisions. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends.
20 Useless Facts
20 USELESS FACTS 1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." 2. All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. 3. Samuel Clemens a.k.a. Mark Twain was born on a day in 1835 when Haley's Comet came into view. When he died in 1910, Haley's Comet came into view again. 4. Charlie Brown's father was a barber. 5. On the cartoon show 'The Jetsons', Jane is 33 years old and her daughter Judy is 15. 6. The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross. 7. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. 8. No words in the English language rhyme with orange, silver or purple. 9. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. 10. It was illegal to sell ET dolls in France because there is a law against selling dolls without human faces. 11. Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. 12. Coca-Cola was originally green. 13. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska 14.Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4 15. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36 16. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 17. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. 18. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70 19. Only food that does not spoil: honey 20. The state with the highest suicide rate, highest rate of cocaine users, highest divorce rate, and highest buyers of Cosmopolitan is Nevada.
Sowing your wild Sod
Sowing Your Wild Sod A kid gets a job in a small department store. On his first day, the manager shows the kid round, and explains that the company policy was to sell a product, with a product. The kid looked confused....so the manager said he would show him what he meant. Now, it just so happened that a customer approached the manager and asked if they sold grass seed. "Certainly", pointing to the wide range of seed boxes, "and what sort of lawn mower would you like?" The customer looked baffled, so the manager went on "Well, you will sow the grass, the grass will grow, and you will need a lawn mower to cut it." "I hadn't thought of that," says the customer, "I'll take the lawn mower as well then"....and the customer leaves the store happy. The manager then looks at the kid and says "Now do you understand our policy?" to which the kid replies "Yes...it's good!" Just then, a bloke walks into the store. The manager says to the kid "Go on, you can deal with this guy". So the kid asks the bloke if he can help. "Yes" replies the guy hesitantly, "Do you sell tampons, as I need some for my wife..." "Certainly", pointing to a shelf with tampons etc on it, "and what sort of lawn mower would you like?" The customer looked baffled and the manager's face drops, so the kid went on "Well, the weekend's fucked....you may as well cut the grass!"
A man doing yard work...
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" and the man repeats his gestures. The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairss and asks her "What in the friggin' hell was that?" She replies, "EYE- LEFT TIT - BEHIND -THE BUSH!"
Blonde Jokes
SHE WAS SO BLONDE................. * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate" * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind * she got stabbed in a shoot-out * she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK" * she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday * she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order * she sat on the tv and watched the couch * she sent me a fax with a stamp on it * she tried to drown a fish * she thought a quarterback was a refund * she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death * if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back * they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade * under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On phonics" * she tripped over a cordless phone * she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept * at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius" * she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store * it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes * if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless * she studied for a blood test - and failed * she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center * she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats * she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train * she sold the car for gas money * when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends * when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved * she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill * when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead * when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Trivial Facts
Who Knew? In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo". It takes 3000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun. The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1. Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. The Bible has been translated into Klingon. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California. Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches. Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6. Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate. According to one study, 24% of Iowans have some sort of lawn ornament in their yard. Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history. The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III). By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following: B 66 I 73 L 76 L 76 G 71 A 65 T 84 E 69 S 83 I 1 I 1 I 1 --------------- 666 Some might ask, How did Bill Gates get so powerful? Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement??? Hmmmm....
Emoticons
We all know those cute little computer symbols called
"emoticons", where :) means a smile and :( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.
Well, how about some "ass icons"?
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
He / She
She/He Definitions Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n. female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship. male: Food, sex and beer. Thingy (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra. Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n. female: A woman who makes love to other women. male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on. Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n. female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business. male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up. Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing ball without a cup. Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys. Butt (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." male: The organ of mooning (and farting). Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges. Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion. male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding. Making love (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink. Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 ? minutes. Taste (tayst) v. female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good. male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
Men vs Women
1. What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women. 2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One . . . . . men will screw anything. 3. How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner. 4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don't have balls to scratch. 5. What is a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging. 6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing. 7. What is the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature. 8. What do men and beer bottles have in common. They are both empty from the neck up. 9. How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares? 10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows. . . . . .It's never been done. 11. How are men and parking spaces alike? The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped. 12. What is a man's idea of helping you with housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum. 13. What is the difference between men and E.T.? E.T. called home. 14. What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack of beer. 15. Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis? So he can get air to his brain. 16. How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head. 17. How is a man like linoleum? If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.
Amish jokes
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." So he did. Next day the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said "Put it between my legs, it will warm up." He did and his nose warmed up. The next day the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The daughter said "Put it between my legs, it will warm up." Later that week, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother. She says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Mother says "Sure why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they just make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!!"
More stuff to fret about
Here are some things to to worry about when you've solved all your other problems... Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Is it possible to be totally partial? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
HOW TO BE ANNOYING IN THE WORKPLACE
* Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. * Insist that your e-mail address be: "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyna me .com" * Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver. * Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. * Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) * Come to work in your pajamas. * Put a picture of your mother on your business card. * Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) * Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. * Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each. * Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom." * Plant a hedge around your cubicle. * Put on your headphones whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves. * Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. * Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets. * Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer. * "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. * Hang mistletoe over your desk. * Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers. * While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive". * Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. * Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom. When people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." * Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Airplane Joke
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the airplane has less than 200 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:
* You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net" * Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like * You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again * Your phone bill is delivered in a box * You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom * All of your friends have an @ in their names * You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html * You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't have a job * You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.01" * You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off * You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet * You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile :) * Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat * As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button * Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect. You succeed.
ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS:
---------------------------------------------------------------- I love cats ... they taste just like chicken ---------------------------------------------------------------- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Cover me. I'm changing lanes. ---------------------------------------------------------------- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools ---------------------------------------------------------------- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep ---------------------------------------------------------------- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ... ---------------------------------------------------------------- MONTANA -- At least our cows are sane! ---------------------------------------------------------------- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! ---------------------------------------------------------------- It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. ---------------------------------------------------------------- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. ---------------------------------------------------------------- I took an IQ test and the results were negative. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Where there's a will, I want to be in it! ---------------------------------------------------------------- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? ---------------------------------------------------------------- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. --------------------------------------------------------------- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. ----------------------------------------------------------------- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ---------------------------------------------------------------- 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? ---------------------------------------------------------------- Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
POLICE OFFICER
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles and hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!" The Officer let him go!
bar joke
A drunk walked into a bar. told the bartender to give everyone in the bar a drink including himself and he'd take the tab. the bartender did it, handed the drunk the tab, and the drunk said, "ha ha ha, I don't have any money." so the bartender slapped him and threw him out. Next day the same thing happened. Again the bartender slapped him and threw him out. On the third day of this, the drunk said "give everyone here a drink and give me the tab." The bartender asked the drunk if he was going to buy him a drink tonight, and the drunk says ," no, you get violent when you drink."
duck joke
A duck walks into a bar and says, "I'll take a shot of bourbon and put it on my bill..."another bar joke
Guy walks into a bar, puts his briefcase on the bar, orders a shot. Asks the bartender if he can have a tiny shot poured into a bottle cap for his little buddy, and he opens his briefcase to show a foot-high man, alive, sitting at a piano playing tunes. The bartender is amazed and asks "where did you find this guy?" The customer points to a magic lantern also in his briefcase and said, "I made a wish to the genie in this lantern." The bartender is thrilled and asks if he can make a wish and the guy says sure, so the bartender rubs the lantern, a genie comes out, and asks, "What is your wish?" The bartender says, "I wish I had a million bucks." In a flash, the bar is filled with ducks, packed floor to ceiling with must be a million squawking ducks. The bartender screams "DUCKS! I SAID BUCKS! BUCKS! IS THIS GENIE DEAF OR SOMETHING?" The customer screams, 'YOU DIDN'T THINK I ASKED FOR A TWELVE-INCH PIANIST DID YOU?"termite joke
A termite walks into a saloon and says "Is the bar tender here?"horse joke
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"another duck joke
A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. A drunk at the bar looks up and says where did you get that pig? The lady barks back at the drunk saying that's not a pig that's a duck!!". The drunk says I wasn't talking to you I was talking to the duck.spaghetti joke
A plate of spaghetti walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."This one is dedicated to all who are MBA's
(Master of Business Administration) or Wanna bees You Know You Have Finished Your MBA When... 1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are. 2. You decide to re-org your family into a 'team-based organization.' 3. You refer to dating as test marketing. 4. You can spell 'paradigm.' 5. You actually know what a paradigm is. 6. You understand your airline's fare structure. 7. You write executive summaries on your love letters. 8. You think it is actually efficient to write a ten-page paper with six other people you do not know. 9. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just 'issues' and 'improvement opportunities.' 10. You know every single piece of clip art in PowerPoint. 11. You calculate your own personal cost of capital. 12. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as 'highly leveraged' as opposed to 'in debt'. 13. You can explain to someone the difference between 're-engineering', 'down-sizing', 'right-sizing', and 'firing people's arses'. 14. You actually believe your explanation in number 13. 15. You refer to your previous life as 'my sunk costs.' 16. Your three meals a day are a 'morning consumption function', a 'noontime consumption function', and an 'evening onsumption function.' 17. You refer to your significant other as 'my co-CEO.' 18. Your favorite stories begin 'Bob Jones, VP of Marketing, sat at his desk and stared out the window...' 19. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss. 20. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend. 21. You refer to divorce as 'divesture.' 22. Your favorite artist is the one who does the dot drawings for the Wall Street Journal. 23. None of your favorite publications have cartoons. 24. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense. 25. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child. 26. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity. 27. You decided the only way to afford a house is to call your fellow alumni and offer to name a room after them if they help with the down payment. 28. Your 'deliverables' for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills. 29. You use the term 'value-added' without falling down laughing. 30. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and internet connection. 31. You give constructive feedback to your dog. 32. When Marriage is Another M & A for you. 33. When you blame market inefficiency for traffic jams. 34. When you can talk about the impact of yield curve on Castesystem in the country.. 35. When you can write an e-mail such as above 36. When you can understand this mail completely and relate it to the 7S model.Here are some highlights of ER admissions over the past year:
- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. - A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby. - A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on him self in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the mans house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the mans poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the mans jewels from the dogs mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance. - A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in on of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch". - A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the babies father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!" - A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the nurses yelled "Come on back this afternoon. Were having a Butt- luck supper". (How embarrassing is that!) - An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!" - An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she does indeed have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection reveals that she has a mass in her vaginal vault. It is easily removed and looks very much like a potato. It is indeed a potato, the patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it. - The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint. - A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?" - A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" - A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "I've been fucking the dog?" - A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."Famous People Say Really Dumb Things
"SMOKING KILLS, AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE." Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields "WE ARE READY FOR AN UNFORESEEN EVENT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT OCCUR." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP." Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live "THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER, THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER." Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention "IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL." Forestry expert Ronald Reagan "TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS." Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery "IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA, IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE." Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo "THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET." Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole "IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS." Andrew Mathis "HE WAS A MAN OF GREAT STATUE." Boston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor John Collins "IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK." Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces "I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF." Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers. "WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES." Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks "I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT." Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents "WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS." Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge "CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE." Former French President Charles De Gaulle "THE LOSS OF LIFE WILL BE IRREPLACEABLE." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake "THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT." A congressional candidate in Texas "IT IS NECESSARY FOR ME TO ESTABLISH A WINNER IMAGE. THEREFORE, I HAVE TO BEAT SOMEBODY." Richard M. Nixon "THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT DOING ENOUGH ABOUT CLEANING UP THE ENVIRONMENT. THIS IS A GOOD PLANET." Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars "WHEN I HAVE BEEN ASKED DURING THESE LAST WEEKS WHO CAUSED THE RIOTS AND THE KILLING IN L.A., MY ANSWER HAS BEEN DIRECT AND SIMPLE: WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE RIOTS? THE RIOTERS ARE TO BLAME. WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE KILLINGS? THE KILLERS ARE TO BLAME." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots "THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE." Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower "A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE, SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY." Everett Dirksen "A VERBAL CONTRACT ISN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT'S WRITTEN ON." Samuel Goldwyn "REPUBLICANS UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF BONDAGE BETWEEN A MOTHER AND CHILD." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values "I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES." John Wayne (former Republican Fund Raiser and occasional actor) "HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL." Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark "IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND." General William Westmoreland "WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" "IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET." Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin "I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX." Former U.S. Vice-President Dan QuayleThese are to remind us what happens when we make broad statements:
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads. "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.Dumb Computer User Stories
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies. 5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. 7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks." 8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. 10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. 11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" 12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about gtting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech; "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Maine is ! the only state whose name is just one syllable. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.Crazy Neighbors
A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at different neighbors' houses each month. Of course the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over. A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive." He said, "Why don't you go down to the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed." She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison." He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them." After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class. After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About this time the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm." It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now", and he left. They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time the town lady came in and said, "Mrs Brown, you know that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."America loves bar jokes
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer." The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender."Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that." The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."Priest joke
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, by the grace of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory voice, he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship - feasting on God's Holy Word and praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers!Hair joke
Coming out from the hairdresser, a young woman sees a police officer writing a ticket. "Hey, give a girl a break." she says. The office responds, "just doing my job m'am." "You can't be serious, you slimy low-life." she adds as he's busy writing another ticket for worn tires. "You no good piece of meat" she shouts as she notices him writing yet another ticket for a missing wiper blade. As she walks away, the officer hears her quietly say "Thank God my car's parked around the corner!"