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Santa's Bad Day
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
THE TOP 15 *OTHER* SIGNS SANTA CLAUS IS ACTUALLY A WOMAN
- 15. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said.
- 14. Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.
- 13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!
- 12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, "Regis and Santa Lee."
- 11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
- 10. "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 El Camino.
- 9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
- 8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
- 7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It's water retention.
- 6. Constantly whining about equality until it's time to clean out the reindeer stalls.
- 5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
- 4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
- 3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
- 2. The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse Whisperer" for weeks.
- 1. With the way they build chimneys these days you'd *have* to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!
Assorted X-mas One-Liners
- A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"
- Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"
- I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!
- I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.
- No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!
- The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
- Q: Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children ??? A: he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...
- Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
- Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
- When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN
- A Christmas tree is always erect.
- Even small ones give satisfaction.
- A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
- A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
- A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
- A Christmas tree has cute balls.
- A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
- You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
- You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't
- 10. Did you get any under the tree?
- 9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
- 8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
- 7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
- 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
- 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
- 4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
- 3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
- 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
- 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Tragedy begets comedy
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
The third man answered "They're Carol's."
10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
- 10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
- 09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
- 08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
- 07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
- 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
- 05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
- 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
- 03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
- 02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
- 01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
Press Release: Christmas Downsizing
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
- We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
The Top 15 Reindeer Games
- 15> Strip poker with Mrs.Claus
- 14> Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass
- 13> Spin the Salt Lick
- 12> Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers
- 11> Moose or Dare
- 10> Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends
- 9> Bait-and-Shoot Elmo
- 8> The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
- 7> Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
- 6> Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"
- 5> Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass
- 4> Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
- 3> Elf Tossing
- 2> Sniff the Tail on the Donkey
and the Number 1 Reindeer Game...
- 1> The "Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game
The Office Party
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
SANTA'S PICK UP LINES
- I know when you`ve been bad or good -- so let's skip the small talk, sister!
- Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
- Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
- I know when you`ve been bad or good -- so let's skip the small talk, sister!
- Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
- I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
- Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!
- Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
- That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you!
Is there a Santa Claus? - a physicist view
Consider the following:
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.
On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.> In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
- Big Page of Jokes: over 80 jokes on one page.
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