Freddy’s Mart

I’ve discussed in previous posts how my in-dash GPS likes to take me on nail-biting, white-knuckle journeys down roads better suited for ATVs than my silver muffin low-rider. A few weeks ago the GPS decided to take me down a crooked snake of a road called Bear Creek Road in Garrett County, Maryland.

While the road was a harrowing one-lane adrenaline ride, the view was gorgeous: beautiful forest and bubbling streams. Another case of “do I enjoy the scenery, or do I focus on not dying”.

Garrett County Maryland

Along the winding way, I encountered Freddy’s Mart: a ramshackle micro-village of barn shacks encrusted and encumbered with all manners of Appalachian Plateau cultural artifacts. At the time I spotted the place I was being tailed by teens trying out for Fast n’ Furious: Appalachia Drift. With no time to slow down to allow them to pass I had to keep going, likely never to see Freddy’s Mart again.

In my mind, Freddy’s Mart became a legendary place, and I began to manufacture a history for it. I cataloged in great detail its contents: logs shaped like snakes, buckets of thread spools, pots filled with old spark plugs, camping detritus abandoned by soft-handed weekend sportsmen, half-used spools of Stren, roadsigns with shot holes, old glass insulators from telephone-wires, one-eyed dolls that granted wishes.

By the time I shook the teens, it was too far and too late to swing back for an investigation. I had to settle for my imagination. Or so I thought.

Headed back to Jersey a week later, my GPS once again took me down Bear Creek Road, providing me with a twice-in-a-lifetime chance to see Freddy’s Mart. Fortunately this time I was able to slow down and stop and take some photos. The place was closed, but seemingly just as interesting as I imagined.

My pictures are kind of poorly framed, but the locals started to stare me down, and I didn’t want to outstay my welcome. I can say that the property is for sale, and if anyone wants to buy it, now might be the time.

Freddy's Mart

Freddy's Mart

Jesus is watching you. Freddy's Mart

Steve Heller's Custom Car

Steve Heller’s Custom Car Sculptures

While rambling along Route 28 on my way to a Catskills camping adventure, I encountered Steve Heller’s amazing space age & custom car sculptures. Staged on the grounds of Steve’s Fabulous Furniture showroom (3930 Route 28 Boiceville, NY), you’ll find U.F.O.s, rocket ships, metal dragons and pigs, and custom cars chopped and cropped into works of art.

At a minimum, you’ll want to stop and take photos, but you really should go inside the Fabulous Furniture showroom and check out Steve’s smaller space-age sculptures and live-edge furniture. You really have to see it to believe it.

A U.F.O.:

Rocket to Roswell

Rocket Ships:

Fintasia 14 Blast Off!

Rocket rebuilt from retro cars

Severely chopped cars:

Retro Rocket Car

Steve Heller Car Sculpture

And even an actual functioning car:

Custom Car

Lisa Marie

Elvis Presley’s Jets

Back in 1995 I visited Graceland (35.048798, -90.026006) and took the official tour of the mansion. I saw the Jungle Room (I remember lots of green shag carpeting), the TV room (decorated in the colors of the Pittsburgh Steelers), and the billiards room (with pleated fabric on the walls and ceiling). While the mansion was much smaller than I expected, it was clearly the castle of a king who knew what he liked, and had it custom-made. At the time I was unable to see Elvis’ jets.

Flash forward to 2015, and I’m back at Graceland specifically to see Elvis’ private air force. Rumor had it that his jets were sold to a collector, and this was my last chance to see them.

I had a minor incident with the parking lot toll troll. Here’s a tip for the folks who run Graceland: put up a big, easy-to-read sign that says “Parking $10”, so “foreigners” like myself understand there is a fee to park. Yeah, the troll called me a “foreigner”. It doesn’t bother me. I look like Lucious Malfoy, so I understand her confusion.

Having paid my dues to the toll troll, I made haste for the jets. The folks who run Graceland are shrewd business people — to get to the jets, you have to get a ticket and then navigate a gauntlet of souvenir gift shops. Make no mistake: the souvenirs are Graceland are some of the finest quality souvenirs you will ever buy. There are no snow globes that leak; no pint glasses with logos that wash off after the third wash; no chintzy t-shirts with neck holes that are too small or that shrink or fade after the first wash. Graceland = quality. I got an awesome gold-on-black TCB Quickly t-shirt & a bumper sticker for my vehicle.

Bumper Sticker

On to the Jets…

There are two jets at Graceland. One large, and one small. The large one is called the Lisa Marie, and the small one… might also be called the Lisa Marie (I’ll get back to you on that).

The Lisa Marie:

Elvis' Lisa Marie Jet #3

Elvis' Lisa Marie Jet #4

As you can see from the photos, it’s a nice, looking jet. Nice red, white and blue color scheme. Maybe a little schmutz on the undercarriage. It doesn’t have the “wingtip device” featured on modern planes, otherwise, it looks like a standard passenger jet.

The Lisa Marie has everything Elvis could need: a bar, a conference room with a surfboard table, and a bed for sleeping or “hunching”. Everything inside is either green or brown or somewhere in between — the same color scheme as the Jungle Room in the mansion. My mother had green appliances in the 1970s, so I think it was a 70s thing.

Bed, covered with a plastic slipcover:

The Bed on Elvis's Jet

Conference room with surfboard table:

Conference room with surfboard table

The smaller jet

The smaller jet was much less posh and more practical. It was clear that this vehicle was for short trips — maybe to hop across town to get another peanut butter, bacon, and banana sandwich.

Elvis' Small Jet #2

I’m glad I got to see Elvis’ jets before they were hidden forever in a collector’s warehouse or ground up for scrap metal. Elvis was a King, and in most ways, he exemplified the good (jets & mansion) and bad (burning out your body from having to work so hard) of the American dream.

south of the border

South of the Border, the Quintessential Roadside Attraction

South of the Border is an amazing guitar solo in the otherwise mediocre song that is Interstate 95.

 Another View of the South of the Border Sign

Growing up, South of the Border was legendary. It was a mystical place filled with fireworks, primary-colored souvenirs, and frozen desserts. Any kid lucky enough to have a family that made the road trip from New Jersey to Florida returned from summer vacations with magical tales of the place — and paper sacks overflowing with firecrackers, bottle rockets, and roman candles. And of course, their family car (typically a station wagon) was tattooed with the iconic South of the Border bumper sticker.

South of the Border Gorilla

At the decrepit age of 46, I finally made it to the Mecca of roadside attractions. I arrived about an hour before sunset, providing the perfect light to make all the yellows yellower, and all the reds redder, including the sombrero and slacks of the gigantic South of the Border mascot dude. 85% of everything at S.O.B. is colored a slightly-orange yellow (like Velveeta cheese) and tomato red.

The grounds were populated by several gorillas and flamingos. I am not sure of their significance other than family photo opportunities. Maybe a hug for a road-weary and lonely traveler.

South of the Border is roughly the size of a college campus, filled with multiple gift shops, a fireworks store, places to eat and get ice cream, and a hotel/motel. Each gift shop has its own personality. One has a nautical/ocean/tiki/flamingo theme; another is upscale and hoity-toity featuring gifts costing hundreds of dollars, and yet another is a supermarket-sized building dedicated to Mexico-themed souvenirs. The nautical-themed shop resonated with me, since I live at the beach, and the staff was helpful and humorous. I loaded up on magnets, ashtrays (I don’t smoke), shot glasses (I rarely drink), coffee mugs, and of course bumper stickers (which cost a dime or a quarter, and the proceeds go to charity).

SOB

I purchased a lot of magnets:

sob magnets

Since this was day one of a 9-day road trip, I did not purchase a sack of fireworks, but I did festoon my vehicle with the classic South of the Border bumper sticker.

Finally visiting S.O.B. filled one of the many holes in my swiss-cheese soul. The mystery was no longer a mystery. I got to do what all the lucky kids got to do 40 years ago.

###

PostScript. If I was still in college I would probably write a paper about how S.O.B. engages in cultural appropriation or stereo-types Mexican culture. 25 years later, I’m just happy the place still exists.

The World’s Largest Horseshoe Crab

The world’s largest Horseshoe Crab is in Blanchester, Ohio. I know what you are thinking: 1) what is a Horseshoe Crab, and 2) why is there a crab in Ohio, which is no where near an ocean?? Horseshoe crabs are not true crabs, but they do live in the sea, and they are arthropods, and they have blue blood, and they look amazing… and the world’s largest one is a giant sculpture.

You’ll find it at the Freedom Worship Baptist Church in Blanchester, Ohio. Read more about it on Roadside America.

World's largest horseshoe crab in Blanchester, OH

World's largest horseshoe crab in Blanchester, OH

Last time visited: 2008.

The Superman Museum in Metropolis, Illinois

The Superman Museum (37.152684, -88.732646), or technically the Super Museum, in Metropolis, Illinois, is both a museum dedicated to Clark Kent/Superman and a comic book store/souvenir shop.

Superman Museum

Outside the brightly-colored (red, blue & yellow of course) brick building you’ll find a phone booth (just in case Clark needs to change), a green car reminiscent of the car on the cover of Action Comics #1 (the debut of Superman) and some contraptions that let you take a photo of your head on Superman or Supergirl’s body.

Phone Booth

Inside you’ll find a museum, and a comic book store skewed towards Superman and DC Comics. The best purchasable items are the glow-in-the-dark Kryptonite rocks and the Kryptonite candy.

This Super Museum is worth a visit if you’re in the area, and I suppose it would be a must-visit destination for super-fans of Superman.

Big John: Metropolis’ Other Hero

Driving through Metropolis on your way to the World’s Largest Statue of Superman, you’ll find another large statue of a “super man”: Big John (37.144369, -88.716370).

Big John

Big John fits in the genre of roadside attractions known as Muffler Men: giant statues of square-jawed he-men, that beckon you to buy mufflers, or in the case of John, to buy groceries. John looks like a cross between the happiest lumberjack ever and Al Capp’s L’li Abner.

If you lived in Southern Illinois, wouldn’t you shop at Big Johns?

Big John

Read more about Big John in this lengthy article.

Last visited: May 24th, 2015.